Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #13

So a couple of nights ago I found myself in a foreign situation.  My wife had just left the house to meet with a student she tutors and so I was looking after both our boys.  Now that isn't the foreign part, because I have done that before, and quite successfully I might add.  However, what was different this time was the speed in which things deteriorated.  No sooner was she out the door then Andrew (our older son, by 3 minutes) let out a scream from his swing...which at the time, I had placed him in because he was falling asleep and I needed an extra hand.  I left him for a second or two to see if he would settle in and it very quickly became apparent that I would have to intervene if there was any hope of calm being restored.  Andrew's displeasure about being placed in his swing morphed into general feelings of unhappiness about being picked up, followed by equal outrage at being set down in his high chair....and so began the dance.  Next James, his younger brother by all of three minutes, let out an echo to Andrew's chorus of cries and pretty soon I was left holding both in there favourite positions (facing front) and looking at the clock.

As time ticked by (and I do mean ticked by) we migrated from the couch, to walking and bouncing, to singing, to lying on a play mat, back to walking and bouncing and singing...and so this continued at length for what seemed like an eternity.  Somewhere along the way I began to lose my cool...that's right even somebody who considers himself pretty level headed can lose it under extreme pressure and anybody who has not experienced twins in this state does not really know how extreme it can be.  As my blood began to boil and my movements became more rigid and harsh, I drifted out of my role as dad and into a role seeking  survival.  A warning, this is not an exaggeration but a very accurate representation of what I was feeling.  I yelled loudly..."WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!!!!"  And the crying and yelling...got worse...I set both boys down on our bed, and in that instant I went from feeling anger, to hopelessness, to shameful and finally back to caring and nurturing.  As I picked them both up I could hear the words "there, there...it's ok" coming from my mouth...I began singing again and we wondered down the stairs...

That evening, I sang every children's song I knew and even made some up...usually involving the names of my two favourite boys.  I even lost my place a few times and repeated verses, but it was all that I could do that would keep things peaceful...my hands slowly started to cramp, so I had to take brief (and I mean brief) respites in the rocking chair...and eventually James drifted off to sleep...I was able to softly place him in his high chair and continue walking and singing softly to Andrew.  A century later (or an hour and a half, depending on who you talk to), my wife returned from her tutoring session to find a frazzled husband and two quiet boys, one asleep and the other very much awake.  

So, my loud little men who are so very dear to me, there will be times when you will need to walk away from something because you are too caught up in the emotions you are feeling.  You will sometimes know you've reached your limit before you go off and other times you won't but the important thing is that you begin to recognize these moments and take action before it is too late.  Walking away does not mean you have failed, it does not make you weak and it does not mean that you don't care...it simply means that you need time.  Time to collect yourself.  Time to reflect on where you have come from.  Time to look to where you want to go.  Time to takes stock of what you care about and value.  Time to gather yourself so you can best express those thoughts.  Ultimately, many regretful decisions made could be traced back to emotions ruling over logic, patience, kindness and perspective.  Remember, that you can't be perfect at this.  There will be times when you blow up a little, and that can be healthy.  However, it should never come at the expense of those you love and care about....Keep smiling (because I love your smiles).  Love, Dad