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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #20

So things have started happening quite quickly.  We have almost hit the 9 month mark and both James and Andrew are on their way to their first tooth.  I discovered how far along by having my finger pulled into an open mouth and run over the razor that is in James' lower lip.  They have also both started reaching and scooching along the floor for things.  Things include: Toys, remotes, cell phones, books, CDs, the dog, the cat, the pillow, or anything else new to their environment that garners attention.  The scooching and is usually accompanied by excited squealing and yelling and a great deal of arm flailing which is fine for the inanimate objects but can be quite off putting to the cat...I have warned him already that it will get more interesting quite soon, but given he has a reasonably poor memory, he is after all a cat, he will probably forget.  Another recent development is the babble, Andrew has taken to talking quite extensively about a variety of topics which are near and dear to him.  He shares this with his brother or any one else in ear shot and gets very excited if he is asked questions.


To say that things have gotten busy, is a bit of an understatement.  I think that Adrienne and I are starting to grasp how much work our two little men are going to be...especially because there are two.  As I have written earlier, they are two very different people with two very different personalities and also two different timelines in terms of their development.  It is interesting in talking to other parents because we (as a society) have been conditioned to put a timeline on everything, so inevitably the conversation turns to how old and then an assumption about milestones reached.  Often this is done out of curiosity, which I would definitely encourage.  Other times questions are asked in an almost competitive spirit.  You certainly are left with a hint of "my child was sleeping through the night at 1 week, walking at 6 months, talking at 7 months, toilet trained at 8 months and working a full time job while working on their first novel by the age of 2".  Does this bother me, maybe a little, certainly in the beginning it was challenging to deal with, however, I think we have come to learn that placing expectations around James and Andrew's development is a bit like trying to learn ventriloquism, it looks simple enough but after endless hours of not getting it quite right your left wondering what's the point and then low and behold nobody cares about it anymore anyway...and all that you've got to show for your efforts are sore lips and a puppet who can't speak while you're drinking (ok, maybe not the last part).  So in the end, is it really all that important, the answer is no...not really.  And does it bother me when people ask, no...not really, because I know that they will get there and truthfully, they can take all the time the want doing it...


So my little men who are filling our lives with everyday surprises and countless smiles, I guess the lesson I have learned is this.  Society has taught us that in order to be successful we need to compare and keep score with those around us.  We have learned that faster is better and have allowed the benchmarking tactics of our work lives to infiltrate what should be the most natural and sacred process of them all.  We have been encouraged to push because today is better than tomorrow and definitely better than next week.  In doing so, we have ignored the basic rhythm of nature and forgotten that life happens in a continuum not a 24 hour clock.  I know that your mother and I want you to do great things and are prepared to support you in everything you do on your journey to that place, but I think we have also come to realize that it is your journey and you will get there, well, when you get there.  Some people are fast, others are slower (take it from me, I have never been described as fast), what matters in the end is that you get to where you want to be and you arrive at that point, when you are ready.  After all, why would I want to rush you when I already feel like you are growing up too fast.


Love always,


Dad

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Life Lesson For My Little Men #19

So as I sit here eating yesterday's leftover chinese for lunch, I am feeling inspired to write a blog about the one of the most experiences in fatherhood which is witnessing the transformation of your partner into a mother.  Now some folks are probably thinking that I am writing this, on the day after mother's day, as a way of making up for something I forgot to do yesterday.  Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, yesterday was on my accounts a pretty good first mother's day for James and Andrew and more importantly Adrienne.  If she doesn't agree with me she will have to post a comment or forever hold her peace.  No, what is inspiring me is seeing first hand how well Adrienne has taken to being a fantastic mother to both of our sons.

When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions.  As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing.  In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner.  By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience.  Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing.  You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided.  So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.

Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife.  Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need.  In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others.  Adrienne is incredibly nurturing.  She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed.  She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs.  Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads.  All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well.  My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.  

So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart.  As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true.  As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be.  I hope you do.  Moms are special people.  They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together.  Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #18

Now I am sure that I am not the best person to write this blog.  The best person would be the person that spends the most time with my two young sons, their mother.  However, because blogging is my thing and not hers, you will have to make due with my best offering.  What is interesting about our sons is that from very early on, they have been incredibly similar and yet different.  They were born only a few minutes apart and at birth their was little difference in their physical traits.  They have carried this starting point through the early part of their lives often having less than an ounce or two between them in weight and virtually identical heights.  Equally interesting though is how different they are and how early these differences have become noticeable.


To the naked and untrained eye, meaning most strangers, they look identical, but we can tell the difference.  Andrew has been lucky enough to inherit his father's awfully large and round head where as James has been blessed by his mothers, longer and thinner face.  In terms of personality they are incredibly different.  James is the local goof ball often sharing in a quick laugh and voicing his opinion with a shrill squeal that would put most birds of prey to shame.  We often exclaim that he has velociraptor in his DNA.  Another interesting fact is that James is generally a happy baby but when he goes off, does he ever go off and is harder to bring back than Bonnie from over the ocean or the sea (or however that song goes).  He will sob through many of the normal comforts and often can't be consoled with the exception of a well timed gag to get him laughing or some needed mom time.


Andrew on the other hand, tends to be more even keel.  He is quieter, is slower to laugh but also slower to cry.  His disposition is often harder to crack in terms of a laugh but again, when you get him going her will let out a honk that will warm your heart and hurt your cheeks.  He will continue to honk like a goose at the slightest inkling of a repeat performance or continuation of the gag.  He is also the more impatient of the two as he voices his displeasure quickly if he feels that he has sat two long between spoonfuls.


What is consistent about the two of them is that they are inconsistent.  I write this blog fully knowing that in two or three weeks, this description will seem completely inaccurate, but I thought it important to note how incredibly different they are.  The squealer and the honker as we will call them never cease to amaze us.  What one likes for food the other will tolerate (usually with a horrified look on his face).  The squealer is a late riser, while the honker is up most days shortly after his dad.  The squealer is quick to get into everything and anything within reach where as the honker seems to be much more deliberate about his ventures.  The squealer is not so good with the whole under water thing, where as the honker's calm demeanor pays huge dividends in his training to be the next Michael Phelps.  


All this, as mentioned above, will probably change next week, so we can never put much stock in things staying the same for long with the exception of: they both love their dog and cat (look out Arthur when they start crawling it is on), they both get really excited about bath time, they both have a smile that lights up the darkest room, they both adore their mom (and can you blame them), in fact this list could go on for quite some time...I guess in the end they are more similar than I thought, but I won't be fooled into treating them the same.  Perhaps one of the most evident challenges in raising twins is the insistance of others that they are the same.  This can be done overtly or subtly.  The use of words like they, the boys, the twins, etc. provide a challenge for others but also us as parents.  For example the question "how are they sleeping," assumes that they must share the same internal clock and pattern...I'll destroy this myth...they don't.  Whenever possible, we try and refer to them by their names rather than as a collective.  Believe me though, this is hard even for us as parents, and I certainly am not offended when others use those words to ask a question out of curiosity or care for James or Andrew.  I only raise it as something to be mindful of, as I think it represents something that we often do in an increasingly complex world, seeking simplicity by assuming sameness. 


So my little men, as you begin to explore the world around you I hope you can find ways to appreciate all of the difference and diversity that this world has to offer.  It's true that you will find similarities and familiarities in people that you meet throughout your journey but it is incredibly important that you remember that for all of the similarities that we celebrate we often forget to celebrate our difference.  This difference can be expressed in many ways and has often been portrayed as something to be wary of or even fear, despite the truth that it is what makes the mosaic that is life more beautiful.  Ask questions, hold back assumptions and seek to understand and enjoy what makes you unique from your brother, your parents, your neighbour, your friend or a person you have never met whether across a crowded restaurant or on the other side of the world.  This understanding will help you build incredible relationships, a colourful and complete life and leave a legacy of acceptance and encouragement for those around you.


Love,


Dad