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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Life Lesson for my Little Men #35

This time of year marks a pretty important time in my annual calendar.  As somebody who works with and educates university students, it marks the beginning of another academic year.  As the father of James and Andrew, it represents the anniversary of them entering our lives.  All in all, the last week of August/first week of September is an inherently busy time in my life.  This year has been no different, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Each September I have the fortune of experiencing the same renewal that many feel during the new year.  It's a time of promise, of ending reflection and beginning to take action (not that action wasn't required in the lead up, it's just moved up in the priority list), and perhaps most importantly it's a time of seemingly endless energy, spark, and enthusiasm.  Each September marks a new beginning.  An opportunity for new students to experience an institution for the first time.  An opportunity for returning students to renew their passion and reach for their potential.  An opportunity for graduating students to round the final bend and raise their hands in recognition.  An opportunity for me to ride on the coat tails of this spirit in reaching a few of my own goals.  What I have learned over the last decade of doing this work is that by far the most important aspect of my job (and the part that I find most rewarding) is supporting students in realizing their dreams.  For each person this is entirely different and involves taking time to listen but also placing priority on being present and available.

 This September, a great deal of attention has been paid in the media to events occurring at various post-secondary institutions around the country.  I thought it may be important to reflect and express my thoughts as somebody who has spent the better part of my adult life involved in the transition of new students to university.  First off, I am not surprised that inappropriate chants and activities have come to the attention of the media.  This is in no way a condoning statement but in fact is just the unfortunate reality on campuses today.  In my experience working with students on planning orientation activities it is rare that students do not understand the gravity of the message, however, how that understanding translates into action is quite the opposite.  This is especially true when the words "tradition" come into play.  You would be amazed at how often "we have always done that" is used to excuse behaviour that in all other aspects is vile and reprehensible.  However, in my opinion that's precisely why it is important that students play a role in planning and implementing these activities...the conversation that is had with an educated professional and the learning occurs during that conversation.  In today's world of higher education, it is increasingly important that students are exposed to learning beyond the classroom and that this learning consist of more than simply practical opportunities to apply what they have learned in class...why? Because there is an incredible amount that they are not taught as a part of the curriculum.  This is even more the case in non-liberal arts programs.  Truthfully, if not for exposure to these concepts through extra-curricular involvement, most students are left on their own...or in the hands of peers and media to form opinions on an incredible number of topics that one might consider important to our society's future (diversity, healthy sexual relationships, the sustainability of the environment, etc.)  I often point to my own education as a case example.  When I attended university for my undergraduate degree in business, we had a quarter credit devoted to ethics in business...out of 20 credits.  Now I could have taken elective courses as a part of that 20 which would have contributed to my understanding of ethical behaviour, however, the option was mine.  I hope you see the challenge that this represents.

When done right, university orientation should be a time of connection, finding one's place (belonging), academic adjustment, resource building, discovery and exploration, and most importantly safe and inclusive.  The fact that incidents like those mentioned in the article linked above exist should not be met with outright condemnation of the events or students involved.  It should, however, lead us to ask the questions about how we can make changes and use this as a learning opportunity.  I don't in anyway begrudge the media attention that has been directed to these incidents, nor am I "siding" with the students...I don't feel that this has been blown out of proportion.  I do think that this conversation needed to happen and I am encouraged by the dialogue it has created.  In the end, these are mistakes that young people make...not excusable by any means, but evident of a larger issue facing us, the education and development of our youth.

So my little men, who are busy learning how to put words into sentences, this message is very timely and deviates from the normal lessons I have for you as it is not derived from your current behaviour or my reflections on your growth.  My hope is that as you grow, you will take the opportunity to learn the importance of valuing others...and not just those that you know but also those you don't.  If we (society) could truly find a way to equate the value of ALL then the attitudes expressed in misogynistic, hetero-normative, racist and insensitive chants and behaviour should not be an issue.  In today's world, we are surrounded with messages about the value that we can place on things (material things, social services, economic development, sustainability), however what is often absent is the message about the value we place on every living thing we interact with.  That value, so you are aware, is beyond all measures of physical wealth and should be what helps ground you.  I choose that word (ground) because it is often too easy to have your own values challenged and diluted by the actions of your peers.  In these times, when things start to go awry or feel "icky" it is important that you take a stand, express your concern, and assist and support the learning process.  If that is something you don't feel safe doing, then my hope would be that you have somebody that you feel comfortable telling and asking for help...heck, it could be me. 

Love always,

Dad

PS - I love our wrestling/bouncing escapades...however, on a full stomach I am not sure that the outcome is what you desire (consider this fair warning)


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Life Lesson for my Little Men #34

So James and Andrew are about 21 months old.  The saying goes something like "Time flies when you are having fun..." truthfully, I think time flies regardless of the level of fun one is having.  Being the father of twin boys, time seems to have hit the accelerator of late...it seems each day, I come home and we have learned a new word, taken up colouring or found a way to turn ordinary kleenex into confetti.  It is truly awe inspiring, but also just a little bit frightening.

See 21 months ago, we were spending time in the hospital with a million and one questions about what was next.  And while we were certainly preoccupied with the near future and the health of our two little preemies (which seemed to hang by a thread...), my mind would wander to what will the lasting impact be.  Will they always be small? Will they always be behind?  Will there be any lingering health issues? So many questions and no real answer but to be patient and wait.  Now almost two years later, I am happy to say that they have pretty much caught up.  Cognitively, they have picked a great deal of language and are associating one word with another.  For example, they know the difference between Grandpa and Opa but they also know that they are similar in terms of their relationships with the boys.  They are getting bigger and stronger and as you recall from my last post learning how to misbehave and do so with a big smile on their faces.  Over the last little while it has been amazing to see them begin to interact more and recognize the order of things.  Each night, we follow a similar routine, upstairs for pre-bath streaking, bath time, diaper and pyjama wrestling, story time (a new favourite is Llama, Llama Red Pyjama), kisses and I love you(s) and then bed.  If any of these things happen out of order, both James and Andrew will intuitively skip to the next step...we haven't gotten to the point where they will identify the missed step but I am sure that is coming.  Evidently we truly are creatures of habit...and we pick them up at a very young age.

So my little and at times very boisterous young men the lesson from this post is this habit and routine are important structures in our lives.  In many ways, they remove some questions and decisions from the daily deluge of information and choices that we face.  On the other hand, our tendency to desire routine and habit can be detrimental to trying new things or continuing to do damaging things.  As you grow, you will have many opportunities to find the right balance of routine and spontaneity, it is important that you learn to embrace both.  As with many things in life, leaning to one tendency too much will create imbalance and stress and can lead situations where you feel out of your depth.  I am constantly amazed by your ability to learn new things and I am excited to see you grow further.  Right now, everything is learning.  You are learning habits, routines, spontaneity and new knowledge...the doors are wide open...your challenge will be to keep them that way...keep seeking new things...keep curiousity in your heart...keep trying new things...keep an open mind...Life's journey after all is about experiencing as much as you can when you can...and when you can't or need a retreat...that's when you will have routine and habit to help keep it all manageable.  To quote Dr. Seuss "Life is a great balancing act," however it is important to note and remember that where that balance point lies is deeply personal.

Love

Dad




Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Life Lesson for My Little Men #33

Recently we have started to see a change in many things.  At a little over a year and half (corrected) both James and Andrew are right where they should be developmentally.  The words are coming more and more every day; the physical ability to match thoughts to actions is constantly evolving; the recognition of shapes, images and the world around them is beyond amazing to a first time dad.  One of the more interesting changes though is the development of imp-ism.

At one point in time, Adrienne and I could be sure that our direction, if understood, would be followed.  A few months ago, and what seems like on an ever increasing trajectory, this began to shift.  It is now not uncommon for a request to cease and desist to be met with a side ways glance, a coy smile and a slow and purposeful continuation of whatever activity has been deemed questionable, often accompanied by a follow up look to ensure that it has been seen.  This has made for some frustrating moments but more often than not experiences that challenge our ability to keep a straight face.  Some might think that we are doing irreparable damage by losing control and laughing at the occasional display of disobedience but as long as they aren't in danger...really no harm, no fowl...that and I guess only time will tell...As mentioned though, what can be concerning is a lack of understanding of when danger is present.  We have toyed with different words, although we have not found one that seems to have a great deal of impact.  So, this is something to work on, or seek some advice on...If anyone has any suggestions, please add them to the comment section... It's also a task that seems to be even more important with the rise in temperatures and more frequent forays into the outside world.  There are times, when thinking about walking through a parking lot, or playing at the front of the house causes dad, a notorious worrier, a few too many moments of angst, but I guess that's what part of this whole parenting thing is about and is also combated nicely by a very attentive mom and dad.  Not smothering, but attentive.

So my little imps...I mean men.  What I am learning from you each day is how, sometimes, it's important to test convention and to push limits.  Life would be pretty boring without a little mischief, and I would hazard a guess that a few of the more important discoveries would not have been made if everyone subscribed to all rules being truth and beyond question.  What is important in this context is that you have weighed out the consequences of your actions, taken into account your impact on yourself and others and have concluded that the benefits of crossing the line outweigh the consequences of your actions.  If the benefits are for you and you alone, I might suggest that your efforts outside of the rule book may be quite selfish or perhaps might be worth reconsidering.  If the benefits are retrieving a raisin from on top of the fire place using a dump truck as a step stool, I might question your sense of priorities.  In the end, life itself is a great teacher and there is a saying that rules are meant to be broken, as your dad, I would simply ask that you listen to everything I say...but seriously, I would hope that you do your due diligence before taking the leap, because consequences are not always accompanied by a soft landing.

Love,

Dad

PS - Thanks for the lovely "I love you"s over the phone tonight, you made my day
PPS - Thanks also for showing me the difference between a plane and a truck, multiple times, for the better part of an hour, each day...it's weird, but I am seriously loving it!!!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Life Lesson for My Little Men #32




I recently stumbled upon a newsletter article for parents of premies and their challenges through the first few months of their babies' (y's) lives. In reading the article, it makes some very good points and would be great reading if you find yourself in this place. Here's the link:

http://www.babyontheway.ca/toronto/articles_resources/603_premature_babies.htm

It also gave me an opportunity to reflect on some of those first few moments of James' and Andrew's lives and the impact that they have had on me and the relationships that I have. This blog was written on several commutes to work, so please excuse any choppiness.
 

Ian

About twenty months ago we were expectant parents who had been able to work through the trepidation and joy that accompanies the expectation of a first child only magnified by two. Were we prepared, heck no...and certainly we were not prepared for their arrival 8 weeks early, but through the entire hectic-ness that was the last moments of Adrienne's pregnancy and the first moments of James' and Andrew's lives we were able to avoid panic. That's not to say that during this time there weren't moments where fear and worry seemed crippling. Despite the bests efforts of nurses, doctors, specialists, social workers, and the wonderful woman that coordinates the parent outreach at the NICU, there were many moments where you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. As I have mentioned in previous posts, resiliency in times of change is a challenge that both Adrienne and I are quite used to, however, when the stakes are so high, as they are when the lives of your two babies seem to hang on a thread, or better put an oxygen tube, even our typical resolve was stretched. I am very grateful for the support of those around us during this time, but mostly to my partner. Boys, if ever ask how you know you've found the "right" one, I think my answer is simple. You'll know when you've found the person that will ride provide you with balance while sharing in your each and every emotion.

Looking back at the last 20 months, I think it is safe to say that parenthood is certainly one of the, if not the most profound experiences of a person's life. I think the phrase "defining moment" can often be overused...however, when something changes how you define your own identity then I can see how it applies. I have learned new meanings for many of the things that I would often consider to be run of the mill emotions and behaviour. Laughter, joy, smiles, hugs, kisses, and happiness have all changed in my view. At the same time, so have fear, worry, sadness, stress and persistence. My understanding of love, beyond everything else, will forever be altered. This is a risky proposition but I would say that at no other point in my life have I experienced the connection that I do to my family. Before James and Andrew's arrival and the past 20 months I would have thought that I had a pretty complete understanding of what it means to feel love and connection. Now, I can see that regardless of how strong my connection was with Adrienne, it could never have felt as complete as it does today. It's a lot like looking at the world through a tinted window, you can see everything and appreciate it, however, when you remove the tint and experience all of the colour in its true vibrancy you gain a true understanding of the beauty of it all.
 

So my sunshine loving and happy little men, I guess the lesson I have learned is this: often times we think we can see the whole picture and have a true understanding of the utmost limits of emotion but as new experiences impact us, we are even more often exposed to a life beyond the veil of our current understanding. If it wasn't for the new experience of being a dad, I would still know love, I would still be happy, but I may never have understood love the way that I do now. That new understanding has helped me appreciate all that I have, find joy in the little things and recognize the beauty in what we all share. I could have never anticipated the impact that your lives would have on mine, or on the way that I can now look at my life before you were here and reflect on those experiences with a new lens, seeing the beauty of the love that I have been given and have in turn shared. Thank you for that,


Love,


Dad


PS - while being nude is the natural state of being, social conventions would suggest that there is a time and place to do it. Please keep in mind that the streaking you are currently enjoying each night at bath time is something that the rest of the world would probably not enjoy and you will maybe grow out of...but given the experience of many university students...perhaps not.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Life Lesson For My Little Men #31


For March Break this year, we had the good fortune of travelling to Florida with my family.  It was our first extended time away since James and Andrew had been born and so it was met with excitement and a bit of trepidation as we took on learning the finer art of planning a trip and traveling with them.  First off, I can't take a whole lot of credit for the planning piece.  Being immersed in the tail end of my course and at work full time, I wasn't the most helpful when it came to the final stages of preparation.  Before I go further, let me add that included in family are my mom, dad and sister.  The plan was for my mom and dad to drive down and for my sister to accompany us on a plane and meet them there.  That's not really a part of this story as the plans on that end worked out almost perfectly.  What is a part of this story are some of the learnings of first time travellers with twins.

Lesson 1 - When you book your ticket understand that your airline will not necessarily take into account the geographic location of extra oxygen masks for your little ones.  While this isn't an issue for folks with only one toddler but for those of us who are lucky to be blessed with two or more the tip is that there is only one extra oxygen mask per group of seats.  So, if you want to sit together, you need to choose two aisle seats beside each other.  For us, we got to play a magical game of musical seats and organization as we looked for a row without another baby in it.  In the student affairs world, this is what we call an ice breaker.

Lesson 2: Checking bags, customs and security with little ones...equals Yikes!  It was mostly related to our date of travel, but we happily arrived at the airport 3 hours before our flight and made it through with an hour and a bit to board the plane.  No major melt downs, thank goodness...but all in all not really the most pleasant experience for us all.  Unless you count the moment when a bag full of those little green round mints erupted into a line-up of people waiting to check in...I am not sure Adrienne will agree with the assessment that this was fun...but it gave us all a nice chuckle.  With that sorted we began our journey.  Currently, we have two amazing flyers.  I say currently, because the next time...who knows?!?! For now, I can happily say that on the way down they slept for the better part of the journey and there were absolutely no tears.   

Lesson 3: Travelling with Twins is not relaxing...probably not a surprise to many of you, but I can't remember a holiday where I spent more time "doing" stuff.  Adrienne and I are very active people and so we have always been on the go even while on holiday, but this hit a new level.  We were constantly heading to the pool, to the tennis court, to the beach, and this was inclusive of the couple of hours we left the boys with Oma, Opa and Auntie Meghan.  All in all it was a week-long adventure in time management.  Now before this sounds like complaining, recognize that it is definitely not.  While there was little rest on this trip, there was tons of reward.  The first time James and Andrew touched sand, the first time they saw a palm tree, their first trip in a plane, etc.  One amazing moment after the next. So, the saying R&R does not necessarily stand for Rest and Relaxation but could easily be Reward and Relaxation

Lesson 4: If you are traveling to the a touristy destination, like Florida, check into renting equipment before you go.  We rented high chairs, toys and beach toys from a company that rents everything from bikes to bed rails.  An amazing way to cut down what you bring and what you have to pack/unpack/find/pack/unpack.

So, while this list is not exhaustive and I welcome others to contribute more to it, I will end the lessons for others and add one for my little men.  What I have learned is that often, when we just relax and let things happen, we get what we need.  What I mean by this is that, going into this trip I was busy...crazy busy...and I thought I needed some time to rest and unwind.  The night before we left, I actually said to your mom that I didn't know how much I was looking forward to it, given that I would come back feeling worse and more rushed than when we left.  What happened on the trip was by no means restful but so rewarding that I got what I needed.  Walking away from this adventure having spent an entire week playing, giggling, laughing and smiling put me in a place to return to regular life feeling not only physically and mentally healthier but better as a person.  Being able to share that experience with you, your mom, Oma, Opa and Aunt Meghan, certainly was something that couldn't be replaced by anything in the world.  It is amazing how things can come together at just the right time, to give you just what you need, even when you are expecting the opposite.  And though I won't pretend that there wasn't a lot of hard work that went into the trip (your Mom is a pretty fantastic packer), we as a family are certainly feeling the benefits even a month later. 

Lots of Love,

Dad

PS - The cat's litter scoop is not a shovel, and what is in it is not sand...that is all.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Life Lesson for My Little Men #30

So it's been months, literally months since my last post...and while I am sure that folks have found something else to do (as I myself have been busy), I hope you can forgive my lack of writing.  In the past two months, life has changed an an accelerated rate even by my standards.  If you've read some of my earlier posts, you will already know that things tend to move in quite unexpected ways at a pace that is often dizzying.  A quick snapshot, in the last 6 years, we have moved twice (once into our first home), gotten married, changed jobs 7 times (Me 5, Adrienne 2), went back to grad. school and had twins.  This past winter, I started a new position at Ryerson University in Toronto.  Not something entirely planned, as we had just bought a home near our current places of employment in the suburbs and I was quite happy in my previous role at York University.  However, after a few months on the job here, I can safely say it was definitely the right move at the right time.  I love the work, the people and the institution.  What has been challenging is the new hour plus (always plus and sometimes really plus) commute on the train.  For the first little bit, leaving the house at 7:00 and getting back around 6:30 was a bit challenging for me, given how spoiled I had been with the 20-30 minute commute to York.  I would say that I let it define me...I worried about it...I brought it up in conversation...I felt like I wore around...then over the holiday break (a time of reflection), I made a decision...to move past it...and since that time, I feel things have truly changed for the better.  At the same time, it also means that I haven't had a whole lot of time to catch up on writing.

The boys lives have changed tons since last I wrote.  Both are walking...no...more like running, climbing, getting into mischief and laughing (and crying) the whole way.  It is truly an amazing experience watching them grow and change...sometimes almost daily.  Both have developed a keen sense of humour and are happy to push mom and dad's buttons.  They have started trying to mimic the words that we say.  Andrew has become a very adept lip reader and while he is limited in terms of his pronunciation, you can often make out what he is attempting to say.  James on the other hand, doesn't delight in mimicry quite to the extent of his slightly older brother...but he can toss out a well timed "uh-oh" that will tug at your funny bone and heart all at the same time.  Interestingly enough, there first words were not "Mom" or "Dad" but were "Uh-Oh", "Oh-Ya" and "Dirty" (or "Duur-Deeeee").  This is probably a more realistic occurrence than the romanticized and narcissistic notion that they would say one of our names first.  Both of them still have their challenges sleeping, but I think that is somewhat hereditary.  I am happy to admit that, as often it feels like saying so in public is equivalent to a public shaming.  Truthfully, with twins, the idea of regimented sleep training is more overwhelming than the lack of (uninterrupted) sleep, so to each their own on that one...Last night, as an example, Adrienne was out playing soccer (from 9-11) which left Dad with the finishing touches on bedtime (meaning they should have been asleep but weren't).  Andrew was out, but James (nursing a cold) while sleeping seemed to have engaged his six sense to notify him each time he was placed near his crib...so, despite needing to iron some shirts, clean up a few toys, watch another Leafs victory, and read a chapter or two for class this week I laid there, sleeping boys on my chest and let the world drift by.  I'll admit, there were a few moments of frustration, but, I really felt like my sons needed me...and quickly any frustration melted into a relaxed and wonderful evening.  

So, my little men, who have gone from being so skinny to so chubby to skinnier and oh so strong...what I think I have learned from the past few months is that the saying that change is constant is true, however, it leaves out the notion that change does not happen at a constant rate.  I think, that's what can be so scary.  Uncertainty is often a challenging thing to overcome, but even certainty at a pace which is in itself hard to predict can be equally frightening.  Looking at you, I am learning a great deal about ability to adapt.  Fear isn't necessarily part of your equation and so there is a certain benefit to what might described as your childish innocence in tackling the next step...which to those around you seems to be on an ever increasing trajectory.  Naivety is often used in a negative context, perhaps short changing the notion that looking on things with fresh eyes and without preconceived worries and notions of outcomes, can lead one to take things on with a panoramic view of the possibilities.  Thanks, and I promise to write more often.

Love,

Dad