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Monday, June 9, 2014

Life Lesson for My Little Men #42

As a University Student Affairs professional, I feel like I have had plenty of training and lived experiences that have made the transition to parenting easier.  It's funny how the two worlds collide, not in a denigrating way to the students I work with, I just think drawing parallels in how development happens is interesting and can offer valuable insight.  In both lives I have discussed behaviour and consequence, impact vs intent, empathetic listening and behaviour, and the importance of a healthy/balanced lifestyle.  In both worlds I have been exposed to challenging and complex situations, sometimes involving vomit, which take a team approach to resolving.

Recently, both James and Andrew are having some issues understanding the concept of consent (and why shouldn't they, they are only two).  Often, Adrienne and I find ourselves intervening in a battle for a toy, shirt, cup, etc. after one of the young fellows has decided to simply take it from his brother.  We encourage dialogue and discussion and for them to express their frustrations without violence (sometimes successfully).  Usually the conversation looks something like:

James (v.v.): Andrew, can I have ______.
Andrew (v.v.): No, not yet
James then reaches and takes ______
Andrew yells and gets angry
Mom or dad: gentleman what has happened?
Andrew continues yelling and once calm says: James took ______
Mom and dad: James why did you take it
James: because I wanted it
Mom and Dad: I understand you wanted to play with it but can you
explain how you taking it makes Andrew feel.
James: it makes Andrew sad...

Now what is interesting is that sometimes they will come right out and identify the impact of their behaviour before being prompted which means on reflection they get it...but in the moment, they forget.  Sowe continue to work, developing empathy that will hopefully appear more proactively the next time.

The parallels to my work with young adults in this topic is spot on. Students (particularly young men) struggle immensely with the concept of consent, often with much more dire consequences.  Similarly, they are able to identify the hurt/impact in their actions after the fact but this ability often falls short in the moment.  None of this is meant to compare the cognitive abilities of my 2 year old sons with that of the students I work with.  It is, however, to argue that we may need to start addressing this issue far earlier.  Which leads me to my next question, how do you reinforce and educate a toddler about the
importance of consent in healthy relationships and in turn how do you teach them that they need to be vocal about it?  I think it is incredibly important to teach them empathy and understanding.  I also think it is important to build in them the efficacy and confidence to be strong in their feelings and decisions and to make that decision known.  Lastly, in encouraging dialogue, I think we can demonstrate how important communication is in truly understanding the other person, their wishes and how respect and value is far more important than short term desires and needs.

So my little men, as you begin to understand more and more about those around you, it is important that you learn to see the value of healthy relationships with others.  This starts with finding value in yourself and recognizing the value of people around you.  The importance of understanding consent is extremely important as you continue to grow.  Recognizing that it is important for you to say no if you don't want to do something and that it is equally important that you wait for an enthusiastic yes from others before you act.  There will be many times when you won't get what you want when you want it and that's okay because in the end the value of another's consent is of absolute impotance.  It seems easy to understand, if the answer isn't "Yes, I would love to share that with you..." then the answer is "no" however, at different times there will be contexts and situations which may confuse you or someone around you.  In these moments, it is important that you stop, think, listen, and observe before you act.  That act may be stepping in to help someone, stepping back to take stock and be patient, or taking the next step.  And when in doubt...ask again, with all the empathy, sincerity and authenticity that you have in your mind, soul and heart.


Love Dad

PS - It's super cute that you wear my work shoes around the house and pretend you are going to work...it's a little less cute at 7 am when daddy is half awake and late for his train and only one shoe is at the front door.

PPS - the amount of time you have to eat your ice cream is a function of the consistency of the ice cream, the ambient temperature of your environment, and whether or not you decided to bite a hole in the bottom of the cone!