We can all get frustrated.
Usually that frustration stems from a feeling of powerlessness in
affecting an outcome. Believe me, in my life
I have had my share of moments where I have felt this way. Whether at work or
in my personal life, it is impossible to count the times when I have felt that
I was being ignored, forced into a decision or not included in a decision in
which the outcome would impact me.
Across these moments, I have learned how to deal with those emotions and
feelings in a productive way. I know
where you think this is going...and it's true, being the father of twins has reopened
that learning in new ways...but that's not why I am writing this. I thought it was important to reflect on how
early these situations arise and how some of the understanding we are trying to
develop in James and Andrew still plays a role in so many adult moments.
James and Andrew for almost 3 year olds possess an amazing
grasp of language and communication.
They carry on full conversations, respond to questions thoughtfully and
ask a million questions. Where this tends
to fall apart is when emotions run high.
In these moments, language and dialogue go out the door and usually it
is followed by the Crookshank family temper, an inherited trait that has caused
fear in the hearts of others (mostly other Crookshanks) for generations. The
result is often a bunch of yelling, foot stomping, and a face that's colour is
that of a cherry or certain Italian sports car that I will never own. If this doesn't get the message across to the
offending party (who is almost always their brother) the logical escalation is
the infamous hit, pinch, pull or in dire moments bite.
So how do you deal with this as a parent? Consistency is important. Ensure that you are
both on the same page and are encouraging the same things. Encourage dialogue. The number of times I have responded to a
situation with "use your words, why are you frustrated" is mind boggling. Be Equitable.
With twins, this may be easier as they are both at roughly the same
point. I imagine having different expectations
with children of varying ages would make this tough, perhaps impossible
(although I wouldn't know). Most
importantly be patient and realistic. In
a moment of exasperation not too long ago I came to some clarity on this
one. At one point, as I myself began to get frustrated
after yet another intervention I realized that I needed to alter my expectations. Why?!? Because how can I expect these almost
3 year olds to get something that so many adults still don't get. Conflict is not uncommon in adult life and
physically or emotionally aggressive responses to frustration and conflict is
probably more normal than it should be.
Imagine a world where we all reacted to moments of frustration by
responding with honest and authentic dialogue...Like so many other things with children, the end goal of empathy, authenticity and open communication is not a sprint but a long journey. Recognizing that there are significant bumps on the road and deviations from the path to the final destination is paramount to staying patient during these moments.
So, my little men who are unimaginably turning three in a
month I hope you can learn the value of communication through stressful
times. For many of us, emotion can form
a formidable barrier to understanding and communicating. This barrier often creates further tension
and escalates the situation rather than providing opportunities for clarity and
problem solving. The challenge ahead of
you is to find ways to separate yourself and all of the feelings from the issue
at hand, a task of increasing complexity when that issue is something you are
intimately connected with. Please don't
think of this as an effort to minimize what you are feeling or an excuse to do
that to others, rather it is a call to own up to them in real and authentic ways,
put them on the table and deal with it productively.
Love always,
Dad
PS - thanks for the repetitive rubber ducky squirts
yesterday...I was feeling a little grubby and the need for a face full of
rubber scented almost warm bath water.
