Life Lesson for my Little Men #45

A little while back I was out with Andrew in the backyard.  We were playing baseball, well more like I was lobbing so he could swing an oversized Flintstone-esque bat at a whiffle ball (for those of a younger generation the Flintstones was a cartoon about the bungling hyjinks of a modern Stone Age family...see here).  Now I'll preface this by saying that Andrew has always possessed some pretty good hand eye coordination.  Before he was 2 he was hitting a ball with a golf club, baseball bat and/or a hockey stick.  What was different this time is that when he swung and missed, he dropped his head stood very still and said in a quiet voice, "I missed it Dad."  In the moment I was a bit shocked by his reaction to failure.  I responded by encouraging him to try again, that even the best hitters miss more often than they hit, and that the only way to get better is to keep trying.  Beyond all of this cliche advice I vocalized the importance of having fun...if your not having fun seemingly difficult tasks become next to impossible.  So we kept playing and his reaction to failure improved slightly but after a few misses he drifted back to the dejected and defeated.

What is especially striking is that already, failure and fear of failure is impacting his desire to try.  He wasn't even three years old and his need for success was more important than any other outcome of our playing together.  Adrienne and I have tried to create an environment where having fun and learning are at the heart of the boys lives.  We have been cautious in praising every little thing and are very much conscience of how celebration of success for one may make the other feel.  It's not about shielding them from competition or the hard realities of the world but more so about normalizing failure as a part of the learning process and delaying their need to "win."  Is competition important, yes, I think it is.  Is a desire to be the best important, yes, I think it is.  Does that outcome take precedent/priority over putting effort into something where you still have a skill to build/or develop, NO, I don't think it is.  Sadly, fear of failure is all to common among all ages.  I know I have battled this my entire life.  I have vivid memories of each time I have let somebody else down or my performance fell short.  I can remember that criticism almost word for word.  In some cases I can remember what I was wearing.  For example, thinking back, I can remember the name of the prof who gave me a D+ in 3rd year Finance...I can't remember the name of the prof who gave me an A in 4th year Organizational Behaviour.  So truthfully, the scars of failure run far deeper than the marks of success.  I had wished that this would be something we could avoid with James and Andrew, however, it appears that this will be an uphill battle.  Why? Because we live in a society that praises and recognizes the winner.  Failure is often not seen as a step toward success but rather something that the truly skilled overcome quickly or avoid all together.  We glorify high performers quickly focusing on the eventual outcome rather than everything that led to their success.  

I'm a downhill skier.  I took to the sport pretty late, after fear of both failure and pain had set in...something that those younger than I didn't have or did a better job of hiding.  As such, I have pushed myself a handful of times to try and ski moguls ("the bumps").  Each time I have turned out of the line for fear of falling, but really because I know I am not good at it.  If you are expecting a strong narrative of my overcoming that fear, then you will be disappointed...I still don't ski them.  I still have not dealt with that.  In other areas of my life, I am far more apt to take this on.  I am currently in a new position at work (in fact, it seems that I have been perpetually in new positions for much of the recent past) and over the past few months have been working through my fear of sounding incompetent or worse yet overconfident.  I read something very recently that helped, it was an article that explained how asking questions and seeking new knowledge helped you seem more capable to others.  Better yet, by acknowledging your own short comings and their expertise it can help build buy-in and further build relationships.  So now, as I am rediscovering my confidence and more willing to push myself to expand, I am certainly more reticent of my desire for perfection and how using that as a limiting factor can influence my growth and ultimately my success.

So my little men who through your very complex conversations make me laugh on a daily basis the thought from this experience is to make every effort to embrace failure as part of the journey.  Failure as a possibility shouldn't be a determining factor in trying something new or putting your heart into something you care about.  Everyone fails, that is a fact!  In fact, failure is a part of everyone's journey as a necessary step to success.  In fact, many would argue that if you haven't experienced failure than you are not pushing yourself hard enough.  I am hoping that as you grow that you can ignore the temporary pain of failure and use it as motivation to push on.  I am eager to see how you take on new challenges and would encourage you to do so with an open mind...one that is not predicated on your mastery of the subject but one your continued development.  I am also encouraged by my wish that maybe some of your enthusiasm and zeal will rub off on an old guy like your dad and push him to take on new things without fear of failure and worry playing such a major part in the narrative.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #44

Three years old.  To say that time flies is an understatement.  Wasn't it just yesterday that you were struggling to your feet and standing with wobbly admiration of your accomplishment.  I'm pretty sure that it was only a few weeks ago that you uttered your first words.  It certainly seems that it wasn't all that long ago that I white knuckled home from the hospital with the most precious cargo of my life in the back...apologies to anyone who was stuck behind me.  Over the last three years I have learned so much as I have watched you learn.  I have learned the joy found in an early morning laugh.  I have
discovered the critical importance of asking the "right question" to encourage your explanation.  I have found panic in a loud thump in the middle of the night and been challenged to just relax when I see you tumble, here you cough or hear your cry.  But above all, I have learned to be a better person and for this I say thank you.  

Not a day goes by where I don't look at you in admiration of who you are and what you will become. At first, I almost felt a little guilty about my feelings, after all there is an element of each proud papa that must come from a place of selfishness, almost as an artist looking over their masterful creation.  In truth however, I know that I cannot take a great deal of credit for all that I see.  I mean how much influence can one possibly have in a few short hours a day...your mother on the other hand should be quite proud of all that she has influenced.  I shouldn't feel guilty though because I am learning that that inkling of selfish pride comes not from what I am doing to build you up but what you are doing to build me.  This blog , as an example, started as an opportunity to share insights into life lessons that I could teach you but very quickly evolved into the lessons we are sharing as a part of our journey together.
So on your third birthday there is no life lesson, just a simple note of gratitude.  Thank you for being you, which is just what the world needed. Thank you for helping me grow into who I am.  Thank you for the journey thus far and for the steps we are about to take.
Love your very proud dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #43

We can all get frustrated.  Usually that frustration stems from a feeling of powerlessness in affecting an outcome.  Believe me, in my life I have had my share of moments where I have felt this way. Whether at work or in my personal life, it is impossible to count the times when I have felt that I was being ignored, forced into a decision or not included in a decision in which the outcome would impact me.  Across these moments, I have learned how to deal with those emotions and feelings in a productive way.  I know where you think this is going...and it's true, being the father of twins has reopened that learning in new ways...but that's not why I am writing this.  I thought it was important to reflect on how early these situations arise and how some of the understanding we are trying to develop in James and Andrew still plays a role in so many adult moments.

James and Andrew for almost 3 year olds possess an amazing grasp of language and communication.  They carry on full conversations, respond to questions thoughtfully and ask a million questions.  Where this tends to fall apart is when emotions run high.  In these moments, language and dialogue go out the door and usually it is followed by the Crookshank family temper, an inherited trait that has caused fear in the hearts of others (mostly other Crookshanks) for generations. The result is often a bunch of yelling, foot stomping, and a face that's colour is that of a cherry or certain Italian sports car that I will never own.  If this doesn't get the message across to the offending party (who is almost always their brother) the logical escalation is the infamous hit, pinch, pull or in dire moments bite.

So how do you deal with this as a parent?  Consistency is important. Ensure that you are both on the same page and are encouraging the same things.  Encourage dialogue.  The number of times I have responded to a situation with "use your words, why are you frustrated" is mind boggling.  Be Equitable.  With twins, this may be easier as they are both at roughly the same point.  I imagine having different expectations with children of varying ages would make this tough, perhaps impossible (although I wouldn't know).  Most importantly be patient and realistic.  In a moment of exasperation not too long ago I came to some clarity on this one.  At one point, as I myself began to get frustrated after yet another intervention I realized that I needed to alter my expectations.  Why?!? Because how can I expect these almost 3 year olds to get something that so many adults still don't get.  Conflict is not uncommon in adult life and physically or emotionally aggressive responses to frustration and conflict is probably more normal than it should be.  Imagine a world where we all reacted to moments of frustration by responding with honest and authentic dialogue...Like so many other things with children, the end goal of empathy, authenticity and open communication is not a sprint but a long journey.  Recognizing that there are significant bumps on the road and deviations from the path to the final destination is paramount to staying patient during these moments.

So, my little men who are unimaginably turning three in a month I hope you can learn the value of communication through stressful times.  For many of us, emotion can form a formidable barrier to understanding and communicating.  This barrier often creates further tension and escalates the situation rather than providing opportunities for clarity and problem solving.  The challenge ahead of you is to find ways to separate yourself and all of the feelings from the issue at hand, a task of increasing complexity when that issue is something you are intimately connected with.  Please don't think of this as an effort to minimize what you are feeling or an excuse to do that to others, rather it is a call to own up to them in real and authentic ways, put them on the table and deal with it productively.

Love always,

Dad

PS - thanks for the repetitive rubber ducky squirts yesterday...I was feeling a little grubby and the need for a face full of rubber scented almost warm bath water.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #42

As a University Student Affairs professional, I feel like I have had plenty of training and lived experiences that have made the transition to parenting easier.  It's funny how the two worlds collide, not in a denigrating way to the students I work with, I just think drawing parallels in how development happens is interesting and can offer valuable insight.  In both lives I have discussed behaviour and consequence, impact vs intent, empathetic listening and behaviour, and the importance of a healthy/balanced lifestyle.  In both worlds I have been exposed to challenging and complex situations, sometimes involving vomit, which take a team approach to resolving.

Recently, both James and Andrew are having some issues understanding the concept of consent (and why shouldn't they, they are only two).  Often, Adrienne and I find ourselves intervening in a battle for a toy, shirt, cup, etc. after one of the young fellows has decided to simply take it from his brother.  We encourage dialogue and discussion and for them to express their frustrations without violence (sometimes successfully).  Usually the conversation looks something like:

James (v.v.): Andrew, can I have ______.
Andrew (v.v.): No, not yet
James then reaches and takes ______
Andrew yells and gets angry
Mom or dad: gentleman what has happened?
Andrew continues yelling and once calm says: James took ______
Mom and dad: James why did you take it
James: because I wanted it
Mom and Dad: I understand you wanted to play with it but can you
explain how you taking it makes Andrew feel.
James: it makes Andrew sad...

Now what is interesting is that sometimes they will come right out and identify the impact of their behaviour before being prompted which means on reflection they get it...but in the moment, they forget.  Sowe continue to work, developing empathy that will hopefully appear more proactively the next time.

The parallels to my work with young adults in this topic is spot on. Students (particularly young men) struggle immensely with the concept of consent, often with much more dire consequences.  Similarly, they are able to identify the hurt/impact in their actions after the fact but this ability often falls short in the moment.  None of this is meant to compare the cognitive abilities of my 2 year old sons with that of the students I work with.  It is, however, to argue that we may need to start addressing this issue far earlier.  Which leads me to my next question, how do you reinforce and educate a toddler about the
importance of consent in healthy relationships and in turn how do you teach them that they need to be vocal about it?  I think it is incredibly important to teach them empathy and understanding.  I also think it is important to build in them the efficacy and confidence to be strong in their feelings and decisions and to make that decision known.  Lastly, in encouraging dialogue, I think we can demonstrate how important communication is in truly understanding the other person, their wishes and how respect and value is far more important than short term desires and needs.

So my little men, as you begin to understand more and more about those around you, it is important that you learn to see the value of healthy relationships with others.  This starts with finding value in yourself and recognizing the value of people around you.  The importance of understanding consent is extremely important as you continue to grow.  Recognizing that it is important for you to say no if you don't want to do something and that it is equally important that you wait for an enthusiastic yes from others before you act.  There will be many times when you won't get what you want when you want it and that's okay because in the end the value of another's consent is of absolute impotance.  It seems easy to understand, if the answer isn't "Yes, I would love to share that with you..." then the answer is "no" however, at different times there will be contexts and situations which may confuse you or someone around you.  In these moments, it is important that you stop, think, listen, and observe before you act.  That act may be stepping in to help someone, stepping back to take stock and be patient, or taking the next step.  And when in doubt...ask again, with all the empathy, sincerity and authenticity that you have in your mind, soul and heart.

Love Dad

PS - It's super cute that you wear my work shoes around the house and pretend you are going to work...it's a little less cute at 7 am when daddy is half awake and late for his train and only one shoe is at the front door.

PPS - the amount of time you have to eat your ice cream is a function of the consistency of the ice cream, the ambient temperature of your environment, and whether or not you decided to bite a hole in the bottom of the cone!

Life Lesson for my Little Men #41

My apologies first off because this post will come across as a bit of a rant, however, I think the topic is valuable, so you will have to put up with it.  Recently, there has been a fair amount of chatter about productivity and success.  Lists and compendiums of habits or efforts of people who have been defined as successful based in their wealth/influence (which are often conflated to be the same) serve as Linkedin fodder and abound endlessly on the internet and social media. Working a 16+ hour day is worn as a badge of honour and is often touted as being the road to success.  But here in lies the problem, in my view there is an incredible amount of unspoken privilege in this discussion.  For example, there are many folk in this world who work 16 hour days who have no hope of being "successful". In the western world we hear constantly of people working two jobs just to pay rent, and they aren't doing so in a way that pays homage to the gods of capitalism (who started with a penny and are now millionaires), they are doing so as a part of a seemingly never ending spiral of survival.  Outside of the privileged parts of our world, this s theory, that working hard results in financial success, is even more unrealistic as people paid below subsistence wages work endless hours to create the shirts that we can buy for $20 at the local mall. This notion of financial success coming as a direct result of hard work does however fit in nicely with the traditional narrative of those who have bought into the notion of the free market.  The poor are poor because they don't work hard enough and if they just worked harder they would no longer be poor or need support.  

Also, let's just examine this notion of success.  I am one who doesn't work an official 16 hour day.  Number one, I can't.  I have two little men who count on me, not just to put a roof over their head but also to be there, and I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to make that decision.  Secondly, it's about how you define success. My definition is more closely tied to the sons I am raising and less to the $$$ in my bank account, the car I drive, or my investment income.  You may in fact value different things, and so what I would ask is let's end this guilt trip we place on each other.  I won't judge your choice and you won't judge mine recognizing that life is about choices, sacrifices and outcomes.  The mere fact that we have power in any of these factors is a function of the power and privilege we have been afforded and has little to do with our value as a person.  

So my little men, as you grow to recognize what exists around us I hope you see not only the effort that is made to be "successful" but that the outcome tied to that effort is a function of not just hard work but privilege.  I also hope that you see the value in arriving at your own definition of success and that it comes from what fulfills you as a person.  Life is too short to tie your value and worth to what is considered normative by others.  Model your life after those you admire not just based on their bottom-lines but their level of happiness and for goodness sake don't brag about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's important to be proud of who you are and how you live your life, but is equally important to recognize that having a choice is a privilege that not everyone has and that your decision is no better than those around you. 

Love,

Dad.

PS - Despite what you may believe, I do not keep my guitar pic inside my guitar...

Twinisms

So I created a new page to highlight some of the more common things that we talk about in our household.  Some are quite surprising, others I think are pretty standard, however, I am still always amazed at the frequency with which some of these things are said.  I'll be updating it often so keep checking back.

Check it out here

Life Lesson for My Little Men #40

So I am a worrywart.  Always have been.  Most of my life, I was the cautious one in the room, taking my time to do things that friends would do with reckless abandon.  Being a dad has in ways magnified this.  I know what folks will say and the realist in me constantly repeats in my head "you can't spend your whole life worried about what will happen to you, or worse, them."  However, all the efforts of my partner, family, friends or realistic Ian still leave me alone in a place of anxiety about what I cannot prevent.  Before you go thinking I am paranoid or over protective I'll stop you, because I am not, in fact rarely had my worry translated into action.

For example, we have a curved set of stairs in our house (hardwood) which are outfitted with a baby gate at the top, however, Adrienne and I made a conscious decision to teach James and Andrew how to use the stairs at an early age.  Recognizing we wouldn't always be there to hold hands or carry, this was an important skill for them to master.  This was not a flawless approach and there were some small tumbles, nothing permanently bruised or damaged and now they move up and down freely.

Recently though this worry is manifesting itself in my conscious and unconscious thoughts. Yesterday as an example we were playing ball hockey in our shared drive (me standing at the bottom retrieving errant shots (which happens a fair amount when the sticks are in the hands of 2.5 year olds).  As I retrieved a ball from behind our neighbour's cargo van, Andrew followed and I felt the need to stop him and tell him to never walk behind the van.  I know that this one moment in time will not stick in his memory and that our role as parents when they are this young is to set them up for success in a way that doesn't require decision making that is beyond their stage of development, but the vision in my head was of my neighbour reversing over my son and me not being able to stop it (not that our neighbour is reckless or doesn't have two little ones of his own).   I share this story as a reflection opportunity in an effort to help me or anyone else understand the struggle between what I know and what I feel.

So my little men who are blowing my mind each day with what you are learning, I guess the lesson is this: there are times when worry and caution are important and it is important to recognize and think about why you are feeling anxious, after all it is a survival technique.  Try not to let it dominate your experiences and keep you sheltered from things that will open your mind and your eyes.  As you navigate the world, it is entirely possible that anxiety, stress, and worry overcome everything else.  In these moments, I hope that you will have people in your life who will support you and empower you to cope and persist.  I also hope that you can include me in that group but will try and understand that this may not be the case all of the time.

Love always, 

Dad

PS - thank you so much for letting me be Fred from Scooby Doo, I always thought his ascot was so cool!

Life Lesson For My Little Men #39

Recently, I have noticed a huge increase in the imaginative play that both James and Andrew are taking part in.  Some of the funniest dialogue comes out of these experiences.  For example, last night Andrew said in the most serious tone "I REALLY want to paint" while holding paint brush and dipping it in an empty bottle and spreading it on the floor.  Routinely now, stuffed animals have been renamed to be characters in favourite books or movies and we have begun to play doctor's office (not doctor, but doctor's office - the difference lies in the all of the actions leading up to the actual appointment, like registering at the desk, getting weighed, etc. vs. what is normally portrayed).  I am such a huge fan of the boys being creative and exploring the reaches of their imagination.  In a world in which we are often held in check by the limitations of reality and told to get our heads out of the clouds, there is something truly rewarding about watching these two lives seek out limitless imagination and dreams. 

On the less exhilarating side of this same discussion is the fact that quite regularly Adrienne and I (reluctantly or are mandated to) assume the roles of a character in some story.  This has sometimes worked in our favour, like the time she was Ariel and I was Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) but other times less so.  My favourite thus far has been Jasper and Horace (the bumbling villains from 101 Dalmations).  Adrienne was decidedly given the role of Jasper the tall, thin and reluctant brains of the operation while yours truly was told in no uncertain terms that I was Horace (shorter, plumper and dimmer).  Whatever, how long can this last, an hour or two...no big deal, right!  Oh No! It still pops up, every now and then, at obscure moments...

Imagination is an amazing thing my little men.  The ability to truly dream big, think beyond the boundaries of what seems to be reality and what is possible is something that I hope you never lose.  I used to do a presentation on the importance of having dreams beyond just the rational goals that we are taught are important and I truly believe this.  The world needs people who dream bug and use their imagination and creativity to go beyond what has been defined as limits.  You are off to a great start.  Keep playing, singing, creating, and dreaming but perhaps more importantly please keep sharing with the world what those ideas and dreams are.

Love Always,

Horace AKA Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #38

Micro-Lesson:  Details are important.  I am learning just how important each day when one of you argues with the other about just how to pronounce Heffalump...or is it Huffleplump?!?! Or when I read the last line on a page of a book as "here", when the word is "there" and you tell me "No Daddy, it is 'Get out of there,' not get out of HERE!," even though "here" kinda made sense too...

In life, details are important but so is being able to paint in broad strokes, I am glad you are picking up on details but wish that sometimes you were both just a little less persistent (or hostile) about it!

I will endeavour to help you see the beauty in context and concept and I hope you continue to challenge me on the details, nicely of course.

Love,

Dad

Life Lessons for my Little Men #37 - the Series

To date, I have spent time writing on major moments or lessons learned from said moments, however, I have decided to get the writing ball rolling and stay true to all that I am learning or teaching that I need something faster and easier to write and hopefully a shorter read.  So, over the next month or so, I will endeavour to post several micro lessons a week...get ready for the fun and thanks for reading!!!

Today's Lesson:  Things are not always seen in the way that you intended.  Today I was informed that the Canadian Tire Logo is in fact a strawberry.  Apart from the annual sale of jam making supplies or a poorly thought out car air freshner, I am pretty sure nothing at Canadian Tire resembles a strawberry, except obviously, the logo.


Go Canada Go!

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #36

A couple of days ago we all took the train downtown to the Royal Ontario Museum.  Okay that's not entirely true.  The purpose if the trip was initially to do some last minute shopping and see the holiday decor an store windows.  An ice storm delayed the original adventure. The secondary trip was to take the train, a vehicle that James and Andrew share an obsession for.  The museum was really fillet until the first train heads home at 4 o'clock. 

The trip was an incredible one.  It was an incredibly cold morning so we all had our heavy coats on but the frigid air did not impact out enthusiasm for traveling on the train.  As the train pulled into the station the boys chattered away about the sounds and sights and through out the ride in they sat in awe.
Next step was a quick trip up the subway from Union Station to the ROM.  Now this was not our first subway trip (in fact both James and Andrew do a pretty goo impression of the door closing chime) and so I was a little surprised at the sudden fear expressed by James as the train approached.  We boarded without incident (which is a feat in itself lugging two boys in strollers with all the necessary accoutrement for a day in the city).

At the museum we toured around  the floor and looked at the dinosaur statues.  Again our ears were willed with chatter about the skeletal structures we stood in front of.  Chatter that was a mixture of wonder and fear.  We reassured them that the Dinosaurs would not come get them and were just bones.  After a couple of hours touring the museum we were ready for lunch and a meander back to our train ride home.  As we traipsed through the streets and down to the Eaton's Centre we dropped a tiny Santa figuring that James was holding (this is not incredibly relevant except that it is something that all parents experience when traveling with toddlers).  At the Eaton's Centre we admired the tall reindeer sculptures that make up the holiday decor (there is something about 20 ft tall statues filled with multicoloured lights that is less threatening than 20 ft tall dinosaurs).
Once back on the platform for the train James and Andrew began recounting the day and discussing with great anticipation the arrival of our train.  As it pulled into the station the same expression of fear came across James' face as in the subway earlier and as dad reassured him the train would stay on the tracks he held onto my bent knees and leaned hard against my chest. On the train we drifted back into our natural high from a day spent in the city and riding the train.  Andrew, now an experienced rail-man directed the Conductor or Customer Service Represented as to when to close the doors while informing fellow passengers how much time was left until departure. What a day!   What an adventure!
The lesson I learned today is that big things are scary, and that's okay.  Even things that we look forward to with great anticipation can challenge our ability to cope and manage.  I think of my own life and the number of major changes I have managed both professionally and personally and I know that fear was always a very present emotion.  Unlike as a child, that fear is more often than not centered on a self derived notion of failure.  I say self-derived because I have normally been the one to make assumptions or set objectives related to my ability to cope, adapt and succeed.  All this is to say that as we grow older we find different way to manage our fear, but we should be mindful that it is still there.  So my little men, remember that fear is a very natural reaction when experiencing major change or big things.  Managing it will be different depending on the situation but one piece that should remain pretty constant is that you shouldn't feel the need to hide it out of shame or concern about perception. Staying true to yourself an genuine in your actions means reconciling an being okay with all sides of your being an fear, will be a part of that being.  As you grow the things you are scared of will change and shift  and so, you will find different ways to manage your fears.  Please remember that both your parents will always be there to listen and support you, regardless of what it is that might seem scary.
Love dad.
PS - Dad is still really scared of heights or more appropriately falling from them.